Falling in love.

I've fallen in love. The head over heels, love at first glance, wispy, floaty, feeling kinda silly, sort of love and it is divine. I should probably mention that I haven't fallen in love with a boy (because that is boring). I've fallen in love with The Militant Baker and with myself.

The Militant Baker is Jes, an amazing blogger who writes a lot about loving your body. I definitely recommend reading every single one of her blog posts. You will feel like you're on top of the world and beautiful because YOU ARE. The very first post I read from her site was "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls....SO I WILL". If nothing, read that post!

I've absolutely hated the way I've looked almost my entire life. The first time I remember thinking I was too fat, I was in kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN. I had a family member tell me that if I got any fatter I wouldn't fit through the door.  As these words were said to me, I hung my head and stared at my little dirt covered, sandaled feet and felt shameful about my body for the first time. The image of those white strappy sandals is seared into my brain and so is the hurt. I was called fat several more times throughout my childhood and into my pre-teens, mostly by adult family members.

Imagine telling this kid she won't fit through the door.

Now that I'm an adult, people have stopped calling me fat to my face. I guess those family members don't want to be rude (eye roll). And I can forgive them for not realizing how fragile the psyche of a child can be and for how many years I would spend agonizing over the way I look and how utterly unlovable I've felt, still feel at times. There are are a lot of reasons why those loved ones may have tried to make me feel bad. Maybe they weren't trying to make me feel badly at all. Maybe they were simply worried for my health and didn't realize they were being tactless. It doesn't matter now and they are still "loved" ones to me.

I wish I had known that someday it was going to get better and that "fat" is not a bad word. Being fat is not a bad way to be. All bodies are good bodies. If you don't think so, you're free to find a different blog to read. So many people say things along the lines of "Yeah, but being fat is not healthy. I'm just concerned about your health". Thanks for your concern but it is not wanted. Furthermore, you may not disguise your hate of my body behind the ruse of health. You could care less about my health --you just don't like looking at me and you are blinded by societies idea of beauty. To those people, I say: you are officially released from caring about me. I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why I look the way I do. Anything from a metabolic disorder to just eating badly is a valid reason. Why? Because it's not any of your goddamn business.

Loving myself has been a really long, windy, and uncomfortable-at-times road. I've disrespected my body and I've allowed others to disrespect it too. I've lost out on opportunities believing that I'm not pretty enough. I've searched high and low, very low, for the self love I never learned. When I had heard that  you must love yourself before anyone else can love you, I thought it was bullshit. I dismissed it and continued down my path to self destruction. I kept hating myself internally but kept it a secret.

Fast forward to now, after therapy and one really upsetting situation later (dont' ask), I can say that I love myself more than not. I go back and forth between questioning myself and body positivity. I still have people in my life getting me down. But at least I know it's all a matter of opinion and no ones opinion is going to shake me. Sometimes people the furthest removed from issues having the biggest, stupidest voices in them.

More to come.